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By Elizabeth
Pantley, Author of Kid Cooperation, Perfect Parenting and Hidden
Messages
Is your marriage
everything you ever hoped it could be? Or has it been pushed down
your list of priorities since having children? Let’s face it,
parenthood is a full-time job, and it dramatically changes your
marriage relationship. But marriage is the foundation upon which
your entire family is structured. If your marriage is strong, your
whole family will be strong; your life will be more peaceful, you’ll
be a better parent, and you’ll, quite simply, have more fun in your
life.
Make a
commitment
To create or
maintain a strong marriage you will have to take the first critical
step: You must be willing to put time, effort and thought into
nurturing your marriage. The ideas that follow will help you
follow through on this commitment and will put new life and meaning
into your marriage. A wonderful thing may happen. You may fall in
love with your spouse all over again. In addition, your children
will greatly benefit from your stronger relationship. Children feel
secure when they know that Mom and Dad love each other—particularly
in today’s world, where 50 percent of marriages end in divorce; half
of your children’s friends have gone, or are going through a
divorce; or maybe it’s your kids who have survived a divorce and are
now living in a new family arrangement. Your children need daily
proof that their family life is stable and predictable. When you
make a commitment to your marriage, your children will feel the
difference. No, they won’t suffer from neglect! They’ll blossom when
your marriage—and their homelife—is thriving.
The surprising
secret is that this doesn’t have to take any extra time in your
already busy schedule. Just a change in attitude plus a committed
focus can yield a stronger, happier marriage.
So here’s my
challenge to you. Read the following suggestions and apply them in
your marriage for the next 30 days. Then evaluate your marriage. I
guarantee you’ll both be happier.
Look for the
good, overlook the bad
You married this
person for many good reasons. Your partner has many wonderful
qualities. Your first step in adding sizzle to your marriage is to
look for the good and overlook the bad.
Make it a habit
to ignore the little annoying things — dirty socks on the floor, a
day-old coffee cup on the counter, worn out flannel pajamas, an
inelegant burp at the dinner table — and choose instead to search
for those things that make you smile: the way he rolls on the floor
with the baby; the fact that she made your favorite cookies, the
peace in knowing someone so well that you can wear your worn
out flannels or burp at the table.
Give two
compliments every day
Now that you’ve
committed to seeing the good in your partner, it’s time to say it!
This is a golden key to your mate’s heart. Our world is so full of
negative input, and we so rarely get compliments from other people.
When we do get a compliment, it not only makes us feel great about
ourselves, it actually makes us feel great about the person giving
the compliment! Think about it! When your honey says, “You’re the
best. I’m so glad I married you.” It not only makes you feel loved,
it makes you feel more loving.
Compliments are
easy to give, take such a little bit of time, and they’re free.
Compliments are powerful; you just have to make the effort to say
them. Anything works: “Dinner was great, you make my favorite
sauce.” “Thanks for picking up the cleaning. It was very thoughtful,
you saved me a trip.” “That sweater looks great on you.”
Play nice
That may sound
funny to you, but think about it. How many times do you see -- or
experience -- partners treating each other in impolite, harsh ways
that they’d never even treat a friend? Sometimes we take our
partners for granted and unintentionally display rudeness. As the
saying goes, if you have a choice between being right and being
nice, just choose to be nice. Or to put this in the wise words of
Bambi’s friend Thumper, the bunny rabbit – “If you can’t say
somethin’ nice don’t say nothin’ at all.”
Pick your
battles
How often have
you heard this advice about parenting? This is great advice
for child-rearing—and it’s great advice to follow in your marriage
as well. In any human relationship there will be disagreement and
conflict. The key here is to decide which issues are worth pursuing
and which are better off ignored. By doing this, you’ll find much
less negative energy between you.
From now on,
anytime you feel annoyed, take a minute to examine the issue at
hand, and ask yourself a few questions. “How important is this?” “Is
this worth picking a fight over?” “What would be the benefit of
choosing this battle versus letting it go?”
The 60 second
cuddle
You can often
identify a newly married couple just by how much they touch each
other — holding hands, sitting close, touching arms, kissing — just
as you can spot an “oldly-married” couple by how little they touch.
Mothers, in particular, often have less need for physical contact
with their partners because their babies and young children provide
so much opportunity for touch and cuddling that day’s end finds them
“touched fulfilled”.
So here’s a
simple reminder: make the effort to touch your spouse more often. A
pat, a hug, a kiss, a shoulder massage – the good feeling it
produces for both of you far outweighs the effort.
Here’s the deal:
Whenever you’ve been apart make it a rule that you will take just 60
seconds to cuddle, touch and connect. This can be addictive! If you
follow this advice soon you’ll find yourselves touching each other
more often, and increasing the romantic aspect of your
relationship.
Spend more time
talking to and listening to your partner.
I don’t mean,
“Remember to pick up Jimmy’s soccer uniform.” Or “I have a PTA
meeting tonight.” Rather, get into the habit of sharing your
thoughts about what you read in the paper, what you watch on TV,
your hopes, your dreams, your concerns. Take a special interest in
those things that your spouse is interested in and ask questions.
And then listen to the answers.
Spend time with
your spouse
It can be very
difficult for your marriage to thrive if you spend all your time
being “Mommy” and “Daddy”. You need to spend regular time as
“Husband” and “Wife”. This doesn’t mean you have to take a two-week
vacation in Hawaii. (Although that might be nice, too!) Just take
small daily snippets of time when you can enjoy uninterrupted
conversation, or even just quiet companionship, without a baby on
your hip, a child tugging your shirtsleeve or a teenager begging for
the car keys. A daily morning walk around the block or a shared cup
of tea after all the children are in bed might work wonders to
re-connect you to each other. And yes, it’s quite fine to talk about
your children when you’re spending your time together, because,
after all, your children are one of the most important connections
you have in your relationship.
When you and
your spouse regularly connect in a way that nurtures your
relationship, you may find a renewed love between you, as well as a
refreshed vigor that will allow you to be a better, more loving
parent. You owe it to yourself — and to your kids — to nurture your
relationship.
So take my
challenge and use these ideas for the next 30 days. And watch your
marriage take on a whole new glow.
Parts of this
article are excerpted with permission from books by Elizabeth
Pantley:
Kid Cooperation:
How to Stop Yelling, Nagging and Pleading Hidden Messages: What Our
Words and Actions are Really Telling Our Children,
New Harbinger
Publications, Inc. and by McGraw-Hill/Contemporary
Website:
http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth
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