|
By
Elizabeth Pantley, Author of Gentle Baby Care
My baby is only
happy when I’m within arm’s reach. If I dare to leave the room, she
cries as if I’ve left the country! I can’t even so much as take a
shower these days, let alone leave the house without her. My
mother-in-law says it’s because I’ve spoiled her. Is she right? Have
I made her so clingy?
Nothing you’ve
done has “made” your baby develop separation anxiety. It’s a
perfectly normal and important developmental adaptation. Nearly all
children experience separation anxiety between the ages of seven and
18 months. Some have more intense reactions than others, and for
some, the stage lasts longer than others, but almost all babies have
it to some degree.
The development
of separation anxiety demonstrates that your baby has formed a
healthy, loving attachment to you. It is a beautiful sign that your
baby associates pleasure, comfort, and security with your presence.
It also indicates that your baby is developing intellectually (in
other words, she’s smart!) She has learned that she can have an
effect on her world when she makes her needs known, and she doesn’t
have to passively accept a situation that makes her uncomfortable.
She doesn’t know enough about the world yet to understand that when
you leave her you’ll always come back. She also realizes that she is
safest, happiest, and best cared for by you, so her reluctance to
part makes perfect sense
¾
especially when viewed from a survival standpoint. Put another way:
You are her source of nourishment, both physical and emotional;
therefore, her attachment to you is her means of survival, and when
she reaches a certain level of intellectual maturity, she realizes
this.
This stage, like
so many others in childhood, will pass. In time, your baby will
learn that she can separate from you, that you will return,
and that everything will be okay between those two points in time.
Much of this learning is based on trust, which, just as for every
human being young or old, takes time to build.
How do I know if
my baby has separation anxiety?
Separation
anxiety is pretty easy to spot, and you’re probably reading this
section because you’ve identified it in your baby. The following are
behaviors typically demonstrated by a baby with normal separation
anxiety:
-
Clinginess
-
Crying when a
parent is out of sight
-
Strong
preference for only one parent
-
Fear of
strangers (Also see Stranger anxiety, page XX)
-
Waking at
night crying for a parent
-
Easily
comforted in a parent’s embrace
How you can help
your baby with separation anxiety
-
Allow your
baby to be a baby. It’s perfectly okay — even wonderful — for your
baby to be so attached to you and for her to desire your constant
companionship. Congratulations, Mommy or Daddy: It’s evidence that
the bond you’ve worked so hard to create is holding. So politely
ignore those who tell you otherwise.
-
Don’t worry
about spoiling her with your love, since quite the opposite will
happen. The more that you meet her attachment needs during
babyhood, the more confident and secure she will grow up to be.
-
Minimize
separations when possible. It’s perfectly acceptable for now
¾
better, in fact
¾
to avoid those situations that would have you separate from your
baby. All too soon, your baby will move past this phase and on to
the next developmental milestone.
-
Give your baby
lessons in object permanence. As your baby learns that things
continue to exist even when she can’t see them, she’ll feel better
about letting you out of her sight. Games like peek-a-boo and
hide-and-seek will help her understand this phenomenon.
-
Practice with
quick, safe separations. Throughout the day, create situations of
brief separation. When you go into another room, whistle, sing, or
talk to your baby so she knows you’re still there, even though she
can’t see you.
-
Don’t sneak
away when you have to leave her. It may seem easier than dealing
with a tearful goodbye, but it will just cause her constant worry
that you’re going to disappear without warning at any given
moment. The result? Even more clinginess, and diminished
trust in your relationship.
-
Tell your baby
what to expect. If you are going to the store and leaving her at
home with Grandma, explain where you are going and tell her when
you’ll be back. Eventually, she’ll come to understand your
explanations.
-
Don’t rush the
parting, but don’t prolong it, either. Give your baby ample time
to process your leave-taking, but don’t drag it out and make it
more painful for both of you.
-
Express a
positive attitude when leaving her. If you’re off to work, or an
evening out, leave with a smile. Your baby will absorb your
emotions, so if you’re nervous about leaving her, she’ll be
nervous as well. Your confidence will help alleviate her fears.
-
Leave your
baby with familiar people. If you must leave your baby with a new
caregiver, try to arrange a few visits when you’ll all be together
before you leave the two of them alone for the first time.
-
Invite
distractions. If you’re leaving your baby with a caregiver or
relative, encourage that person to get your baby involved with
playtime as you leave. Say a quick good-bye and let your baby be
distracted by an interesting activity.
-
Allow your
baby the separation that she initiates. If she crawls off to
another room, don’t rush after her. Listen and peek, of course, to
make sure that she’s safe, but let her know it’s fine for her to
go off exploring on her own.
-
Encourage her
relationship with a special toy, if she seems to have one. These
are called transitional objects or lovies. They can be a
comfort to her when she’s separated from you. Many babies adopt
blankets or soft toys as loveys, holding them to ease any pain of
separation. The lovey becomes a friend and represents security in
the face of change.
Don’t take it personally. Many babies go through a stage of
attaching themselves to one parent or the other. The other parent,
as well as grandparents, siblings and friends can find this
difficult to accept, but try to reassure them that it’s just a
temporary and normal phase of development and with a little time and
gentle patience it will pass.
Website:
http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth
|
